FADE IN:
As playing most of or at least half of the film in flashback is in vogue these days, we too start from a few minutes of unrealistic funny scenes and.....
INSERT FLASHBACK:
Joining the new college. After introduction of the Hero showcasing his extraordinary talent above others (by conducting electricity through pee), CUT TO-
 |
| see, we hang out atop the water tank, not on the institute roof. Ours was always an original story! |
EXT. HOSTEL BUILDING
RAHUL KUMAR
The principal is coming to deliver his annual intro lecture to the first
years. Attention.
R MADHAVAN
Is he nuts? I mean, in the hostel compound, with students in their
early morning worst state? Couldn't he settle for an Auditorium or
something?
RAHUL KUMAR
The character is supposed to be crazy & brilliant, okay?
Enters the Princi, & starts with an over exaggerated account of the Cuckoos' eggs story.
R MADHAVAN
I get it there is stiff competition, but did you really assemble all
those 4 lakh(or so) application forms of aspiring students?
BOMAN IRANI
Wait till i show u guys my special NASA astronauts' pen.
SHARMAN JOSHI
Hey, isn't that NASA joke been told like, a million times since we
were kids. I thought engg college would have some higher standards.
Meanwhile, throughout this lecture, Amir Khan makes stupid childish face gestures, which no student of even a toddlers’ home can copy.
AMIR KHAN
(thinking): Since our princi doesnt seem to know this joke, i can play the hero (even though every other student & audience also know it).
Why did they not use a pencil?
BOMAN IRANI
Fuck You.
EXT. COLLEGE BUILDING
AMIR KHAN
The food is horrible here, lets break into any random wedding party
which will surely happen to be of the Princi's daughter.
R MADHAVAN, SHARMAN JOSHI
Jahanpanaah, tussi great ho…..
AMIR KHAN
But we'll go there en-route your guys’ homes to make shameless
distasteful fun of someone's poverty and disability.
So, after making shameless distasteful fun of someone's poverty and disability, CUT TO-
INT. Wedding Venue
AMIR KHAN
(playing more hero, making fun of well settled, hardworking, deserving persons)
I’m making a stupid inverter rip-off to power wedding parties by car
batteries.
And i also somewhat impressed the other daughter!
INT. COLLEGE
Exams are here.
AMIR KHAN
Dont worry, we'll pass with flying colors.
SHARMAN JOSHI
It’s you who is the hero, not me. So i need to study, we split. Bye.
INT. AUDI
Exams over.
AMIR KHAN
Now i'll make fun of a hardworking studious guy in front of the
entire college, for no apparent fault of his.
R MADHAVAN
Taking advantage of his poor regional language skills? Isn’t this the
legal definition of discrimination on the basis of language spoken?
AMIR KHAN
No one will think about this aspect. The audience will be busy
laughing.
OMI VAIDYA
But why me?
AMIR KHAN
Don’t you remember, this is a flashback? We need you to be pissed
off to create that plot.
The guy is successfully pissed.
INT HOSPITAL
The Hero finally impresses the other daughter by taking a friends' dad to hospital, coz other regular guys would never do that!
As a by-product, the friend also reunites with him.
EXT. COLLEGE PREMISES
Results Declared.
R MADHAVAN
We barely passed.
SHARMAN JOSHI
Cheer up! Isn’t it unexpected that we did?
But hang on, Amir Khan topped.
R MADHAVAN
What The F! How could he?
This film is supposed to blame each n everything on the bad
system of education in India.
system of education in India.
Then if a talented, brilliant, barely studying guy tops the
exams instead of a hardworking, stupid mugger; the system
should be kick-ass, instead of being sucked up. Right?
VIDHU VINOD Ch***a
(in front of TV camera)
This is my story, I have bought the rights, You havn't read the
book. Shut up, Shut up, Shut up.
book. Shut up, Shut up, Shut up.
SCREEN WRITERS
(behind camera)
Madhavan, ignore him. What was the film’s title, again?
R MADHAVAN
Oh, I get it.
EXT. BASE OF THE WATER TANK
R MADHAVAN, SHARMAN JOSHI
Why the hell do we get below average marks?
AMIR KHAN
Coz you wanted to be a photographer & don’t have the
skill/desire to be an engineer,
and you are afraid of failing, respectively.
R MADHAVAN, SHARMAN JOSHI
Oblivious of the fact that we managed to secure a birth in
this college out of the 4 lakh(or so) best youngsters in the
country, as explained in the opening lecture?
AMIR KHAN
Whatever.
Lets go sneaking up to the Princi's daughter's room.
SHARMAN JOSHI
But u just explained I'm too afraid even while studying. Then
where do i get the courage to pee on princi's home address
plate?
INT. PRINCIPAL OFFICE
BOMAN IRANI
You have been caught for last night’s offence. You either
report against Amir Khan or i expel you.
SHARMAN JOSHI
I'd rather try to commit suicide, so that when i eventually
recover, u'll automatically forgive all three of us.
BOMAN IRANI
Well doesn’t sound like me, but if you say so, Deal.
INT. HOSPITAL
After Recovering from the multiple injuries,
R MADHAVAN
Job interviews are today. Take my Tie.
SHARMAN JOSHI
Ain’t you coming?
R MADHAVAN
I've decided to be a photographer.
SHARMAN JOSHI
But after u tolerated 4 years, at least u can appear for the
interview. Then do whatever u want.
R MADHAVAN
But that won’t look half as adventurous. Plus i too get to
play the hero for a scene!
INT. COLLEGE
After The Scene & a highly unrealistic interview,
R MADHAVAN, SHARMAN JOSHI
Jahanpanaah, tussi great ho....
KAREENA KAPOOR
It was they who rose up to the challenge. why are they
kneeling to you?
AMIR KHAN
The heroine who gets only a couple of scenes will never
understand what it takes to show the audience who is
actually the hero.
INT. PRINCI's HOME
BOMAN IRANI
He might have landed a job, but i'll never let that poor guy
pass the final exams. I'll set up the most difficult question
paper ever.
KAREENA KAPOOR
But that will be same for all the students. What personal
disadvantage will the poor guy suffer?
BOMAN IRANI
Maybe u'll chicken out and tell those 3 to barge into my office
& get caught?
KAREENA KAPOOR
Anything for increasing my bit of role in the film!
INT. HOSTEL ROOM
They do get caught.
BOMAN IRANI
To escape prison, you 3 will leave the colz first thing in the
morning.
AMIR KHAN
Poor guy! If only he knew that his first daughter will get into
labour pain, city drains overflow, roads get closed &
emergency services stalled, all on this very fateful night.
R MADHAVAN
And then u'll do the ultimate hero act with the help of your
indigenously built machine (whose cheap imitation is popularly
known as UPS/Inverter) & Orkut®™ video chat.
KAREENA KAPOOR
Cool! plus i get another scene, although on a video chat,
which Orkut®™ will try to publicize so much.
SHARMAN JOSHI
To no effect. Most people would still prefer Facebook®™.
AMIR KHAN
Guys, u forgot i also have to make a still born baby come alive
after a full 2 minutes, just by muttering some stupid
theme/slogan/incantation.
R MADHAVAN
Thanks for reminding. And the vacuum cleaner too. Still, all is well....
(Afterwards)
EXT. EXIT GATE
BOMAN IRANI
U really are a genius. Here, take my NASA pen.
AMIR KHAN
Fuck you. I'm going to Laddakh, and will make do with my pencil.
Coz, I’m a proxy student here, earning a proxy degree for my
poor family’s employer’s illiterate son.
Finally, the college ends.
FLASHBACK END.
(INTERMISSION)
AUDIENCE (in front of screen)
Hey didn’t the book end here?
SCREEN WRITERS
Told ya, it’s not inspired by the book. We’ve added some
indigenous crap to it.
VIDHU VINOD Ch***a
(in front of TV camera)
This is my story, I have bought the rights, You haven’t read the
book. Shut up, Shut up, Shut up.
Warning: the following portion contains fresh original story.
(SECOND HALF STARTS)
EXT. ROAD TO LADDAKH
OMI VAIDYA
I have an important meeting, but meanwhile, to make fun of
Amir Khan, I'll take u guys to find him.
R MADHAVAN
Let me check on for Kareena. She should have a couple of scenes
more.
SHARMAN JOSHI
Oops! She's getting married today.
R MADHAVAN
So how do we make her run away?
SHARMAN JOSHI
Maybe for some strange reason, the groom would be waiting for his
wedding shervaani to be ironed at the last minute. I'll somehow get
hold of that, and in his disguise manage to run with her.
R MADHAVAN
Full filmy style. Bingo!
EXT. LADDAKH
After successfully making her run away ,They meet Amir.
OMI VAIDYA
I admit you are of extraordinary brilliance, & I, the
hardworking guy, am worthless.
Take my bow.
R MADHAVAN
Strangely Amir, your actual (N-E Indian) name doesn't exactly match
up to your ethnic looks. But, whatever....
(END CREDITS ROLLING)
CHETAN BHAGAT
Hey, you have obscured my name after all the supporting cast & crew!
VIDHU VINOD Ch***a
(in front of TV camera)
This is my story, I have bought the rights, You havn't read the
book. Shut up,Shut up,Shut up.
AUDIENCE 1
No one's gonna buy this horseshit of a script.
AUDIENCE 2
Especially after we have already been fooled into making this
film gross over INR 300 crore globally.
That reminds me, wasn’t the movie supposed to be up on
YouTube™ after 12 weeks of release?
VIDHU VINOD Ch***a
They trust me, Dumb Fucks! (© Mark Zuckerberg)
AUDIENCE 3
Guys! Forget buying. No one's gonna read it even for free….
AUDIENCE 1
….You never know. Some workless worthless bloke might actually
read it over the internet.
The Abridged ScriptWriter
Gotcha!!!
FADE OUT.
